Metamorphosis

The chrysalis, wrapped around my entity as I awake from slumber. Blinded by the sunlight, the walls of my chrysalis shine. Burma Jade and gold specs of sunlight flick through my eyes. Today the chrysalis feels too small, too tight. I’m too big for the chrysalis, but the outside world is bigger than me. How bad can it be to stay in one’s lonely planet?

Seized by hunger I chew through. Blinded by the sunlight I chew through. I see the blur of a tree trunk in the distance. I chew through. My wings start to itch—they crave flight…

I’m afraid. What if I leave my cocoon permanently? What if it’s not safe outside? Why does home feel like a prison when you’ve outgrown it? It’s now or never, I chew through.

I found myself recently at the ledge too afraid to jump. I survived the hardships. I learned the lessons. It’s time for me to make the big leap, but still I stay. Why so timid? Why so afraid of what’s on the other side? Experience says, “I’ve been burned too many times before. I have a reason to be afraid of the other side.” “Then you must not want to live,” says life. That thing we desire for ourselves. Those goals and dreams. They give us a meaning. They give us a purpose to keep living. I had been so afraid of change due to how many times I’ve been burned by life before. With every step, I feared everything falling around me.

I like that one parable. Jesus and the mustard seed. How we need, but the tiniest bit of faith. I like watching that one Oprah video, where the seed is resting on the palm of her hand. It’s as significant as a blink. I tell myself I’m allowed all this doubt, but if I have just that much faith, I’ll make it. Faith requires a certain vulnerability or delusionality. It reminds us of how little control we have—which is terrifying. That I might exist at the mercy of something so much larger than my human mind can encompass, is terrifying. It’s a truth I cannot escape.

My hardest lessons have been on faith. I’m brave, but I’m terrified. Those terms are supposed to be opposites, but I’m not sure you’re human if you said you’re not afraid all the time. We constantly live in fear, yet when we have faith and take a step towards the other side is when life becomes interesting. Much like a butterfly, I had to chew through my chrysalis. At every stage of our lives, we’re going to be asked to take that leap. I hope you do. I’m scared too. I’ll see you on the other side.